Sweet Pastures Nursing Village and Retirement Home to Crown Queen

Bonita Mae Hogwallop, Society Columnist

It’s that time of year again!  The Possum Day festival means that The Sweet Pastures Nursing Village and Retirement Home will be crowning this year’s Queen Sweet and put her out to Pasture.

The contest is open to everyone in the home and will contain the regular rounds of Noisiest Napper, Walker/Wheelchair Roundup, Cooking Courtroom and, of course, swim suit (only one pieces this year, ladies.)  The residents are really excited and can’t wait to attend the festivities.

Flora Forenstein, the recently hired activity director, hopes this will put the unfortunate rumors that have been circulating about the Sweet Pasture for years to rest for good.

“We are really a fun bunch of folks,” she is quoted as saying.  “We have recently filled all of our nursing positions and are ready to show these seniors the time of their life.”

I hate to repeat rumors, but we all remember that many residents here have had unfortunate stories amid their backgrounds.  Including Mel Chubbicks’ possum poaching and Myrna Hogwallop’s obstruction of past Possum Queen elections to benefit her nieces.  Absurd! 

“I realize Minnie Mersaphat, God rest her soul, a former resident was found guilty of poisoning those deviled eggs, “Forenstein said, “but she was only acting on her conscience.  She had asked that the name of the delicious dish be changed to Angelled Eggs to fall into accordance with her dreams.  Jesus told her to put bleach in those eggs to cleanse them of sin because everyone refused to change the name! “

“And all of the other pending allegations concerning poisoning and our residents are being dismissed or passed to a higher court.  We are a bunch of fun loving folks here and we just want to share our amusements!”

Festivities begin at 10 am this Saturday.

After the story was written I was asked to correct Ms. Forenstein’s statement that the nursing positions have all been filled.  Three of the above said employees have become sick and posted their resignations.  If you are interested in these positions, please contact Flora Forenstein and Sweet Pasture.

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Author: David Wilson-Burns

I like to write. I have a job. This is a flash bio.

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