Dear Esteemed Editor,
I write in protest, dear sir. In protest of the outrageous treatment of one of our local citizens, a Mr. Fred Frith. Mr. Frith, along with his wife Mrs. Fern Frith, has recently begun attending the Douglas Gulch Presbyterian Church, a church of which my family were charter members in a town of which my forebears were among the founders. We have recently discussed, at length, the decision of your newspaper to not print Mr. Frith’s very congenial letter due to his many misspellings.
I know that you are aware by now, due to Mrs. Frith’s letter to your paper, that Mr. Frith is the victim of UFA (Unfortunate Spellaton Anxiety). Our church’s Session is presently in discussion about the possibility of passing a resolution of censure against the Puddlegulch Post.
Inability to spell, I assure you, does not mean that Mr. Frith lacks intelligence. In fact, he has recently enrolled in a course that I teach at a college in nearby Tompauk . I have been a professor at this college for 10 years. My field is the study of the country of Tuvalu, the second smallest country (in terms of population) in the world. Risking a lack of humility on my part, I confess that I am known by some as the world’s expert on Tuvalu. My college, which has as its motto “Small is Often Better,” hired me specifically to teach one class each year on some aspect of Tuvalu. They require me to teach no other classes, but to spend the rest of my time continuing my research on this beautiful small country. Unfortunately, until Mr. Frith enrolled in my class, only one other student has signed up to take my class in the last 10 years. As it turned out, that one student was not able to attend even one class session. He was, alas, afflicted with a very severe case of folliculitis which he apparently got from his parent’s hot tub. This resulted in his dropping out of school completely. My college is not daunted. They are proud to be known as the only college in the country, indeed the world, that offers a class concerned with the history, culture, and present events of the second smallest country in the world. I am, it seems, a feather in my college’s cap. And may one day, be one of many ‘feathers’ which will lead to this school’s becoming not a college, but a university!
But back to Mr. Frith. Simply put, I urge you to print his letter. I think your readers will enjoy being introduced to this lovely and unassuming man who I think you will find is a picture of the spirit we so admire in our own Perry the Possum.
With the Deepest Sincerity,
Dr. Archibald Rogers
Ph.D. in Ancient Tuvaluvian Studies and author of “Tuvaluvian Philatelic Bureau: The Staggering Diversity of Tuvalu Stamps”