Mayor Townsend Addresses Homeless Problem in Puddlegulch

written by Gordan Geary – Editor in Chief

“Puddlegulch has struggled with a homeless problem for months,” said Mayor Townsend after a closed meeting with several council members on Thursday.  “Our homeless, Paul “Bobcat” Palmer, has been living in a tent in Nathaniel’s Field, a green space on the east end of town, since last July.  He has been a nuisance to many Puddlegulchians and we plan to do something about it.”

Townsend says that he is responding to anonymous complaints about Bobcat’s possum trapping activities.  He has been trapping possum for the Whispering Possum Inn for years, even before he became homeless.

“Bobcat has been a great resource for us,” said Denise Caldwell, proprietor of the inn. “He has a real knack for finding quality possum meat for our renowned sixpie.  Helps us with computer issues as well.”

We asked Floyd Feltcher, owner of Feltcher’s Butcher Shop how he felt about his competition.  He said, “I have nothing but respect for Bobcat.  Does fine work.  In fact, I’ve offered to hire him, but he has refused.  Says he works best alone.”

But upon further investigation, our own Burt Gently discovered that Floyd had been giving a 50% discount to the Puddlegulch Bank & Trust president, Joseph Haversmith, around the time the bank foreclosed on Bobcat’s house.

Feltcher denied any wrongdoing, but Dillius Parker, a former employee of Fletcher’s said, ” I just think it’s awfully fishy.  Bobcat, who was just known as Paul until he was kicked out and made himself a bobcat hat, has been cutting into Floyd’s business for years.  Floyds’s 2019 second quarter was his worst in 10 years and all of a sudden Bobcat’s kicked out of his house?  Lost his IT support job at the bank , too.  But the joke’s on Feltcher, Bobcat has more time than ever to hunt possum.”

Burt also reports that Feltcher was Mayor Townsend’s number one campaign contributor in the last election.

“They can beat me down,” said Bobcat, sitting in a  lawn chair outside of his tent (compliments of Dale’s Discount General), “but it’s a free country and it’s public land out here.  I keep my possum-hunting license renewed thanks to Dale, and I plan to keep-a-living out here even if my toes freeze off.”

Dale Jenkins, owner of Dale’s Discount General had this to say. “This is just the tip of the iceberg of the corruption in the mayor’s office.  Paul is a good man, and I will stand by him until he gets justice.”

Author: David Wilson-Burns

I like to write. I have a job. This is a flash bio.

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