Foreign Interference in Upcoming Mayoral Election

by Gordan Geary – Editor in Chief

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“Lies! Lies! Lies! Lies” shouted Mayor Townsend campaign manager Terry Middlewamp in his dim-lit, Puddlegulch Town Hall office. Dim-lit because in an effort to save costs, the city council voted in July to reduce energy usage in government facilities by shutting off lights for fifteen minutes on the hour during daylight hours. “We’ve taken down the signs, but the damage is done, and we have a pretty good idea who done it.”

On Saturday, August 1st, the town of Puddlegulch woke up to a collection of signs in and around the town square displaying  phrases like “Mayor Townsend bet on the Tompauk Centaurs to win against the Puddlegulch Possums in the basketball playoffs”, “Mayor Townsend kicks his dog while no one is around,” and perhaps the most damning, “Mayor Townsend imports his possum meat.”

“I believe it was that twerp, Denny Dickerson, over in Tompauk. I seen him drinking a beer with Tommy Shultz at the Bowlarama last Thursday night.”

Tommy Shultz is the campaign manager for Mayor Townsend’s opponent, Horace P. Crumbpacker.

Middlewamp added, “Tompauk Mayor Denny Dickerson had had it in for Townsend ever since the population count mistake back in 2016. There is not a shred of evidence that Mayor Townsend intentionally inflated the population number on the Puddlegulch city limits sign out on route 16.”

Townsend called the inaccurate change of population from 998 to 1000, a goal for Puddlegulch Chamber Commerce for years, a clerical error. However, the timing of the change (the night before the last mayoral election day) raised many suspicions among Puddlegulchians. Among the many points of rivalry between the towns of Tompauk and Puddlegulch, perhaps holding the honor of being the first town in the county to reach 1000 residents is the most contentious.

Mayoral candidate and local property mogul Horace P. Crumbpacker, denied any knowledge of the origin of the signs. “I am outraged that an outside entity could be trying to interfere with a Puddlegulch election. Absolutely outraged! But somebody needs to look into these disturbing allegations.”

The town council has scheduled an emergency session for this Tuesday to discuss added security measures to prevent further interference.

When asked if his massive array of security cameras could shed light on who may have placed these signs, Dale of Dale’s Discount General said that he wouldn’t know because his system was down for a long-needed upgrade.

 


Virus comes to Puddlegulch!

20160418__joan-04211While the country has been consumed with the tragedies and controversies of a global pandemic, it appeared that Puddlegulch might be spared. Many credit Mayor Townsend’s strict action to keep the citizens of Puddlegulch safe. He ordered the Knit Kickers Knitting Club and all hobby groups to disband, the Bowlarama to shut down, The Whispering Possum to limit their business to delivery and curbside food service, and the Civil War Reenactment group to cancel their annual bake sale and vintage mustache competition.

There have been no known cases of COVID 19, until this week. 

Jenny Hingenbotham, Puddlegulch’s maiden librarian, shares her story.

“Every evening, I sit in my backyard garden for a quiet moment of herbal tea and solitaire.  I have a possum friend who often joins me.  He crawls along my garden fence and pauses for a moment to take a sideways glance at me before continuing his hunt for ticks. Sweet creature.  Never made a sound until last Friday night.  

“At first, I thought maybe he was laughing.  I was wearing a t-shirt which says, ‘The library is a mess. We should be ashamed of our shelves.’ But as he continued, I could tell that he was coughing.  I didn’t even know a possum could cough.

“I called Jerry at the animal control depot and he was able to make it in time to trap the poor thing.”

Jerry Lindbocker took the possum over to Puddlegulch’s veterinarian, Peter Toperzer, to have it examined.

“Well, it was a’coughin and a’wheezing,” said Toperzer. “I knew something must be wrong.  I heard about the pet tiger over in Cantwell getting sick with the coronavirus and decided to test the possum.”

Toperzer drove the test to the lab in nearby Laizure City himself.  The Puddlegulch Health Department has now reported the results.  The possum has tested positive for the virus.  Mayor Townsend swiftly issued an executive order temporarily banning the consumption of possum meat.

Many agree that it was a necessary step, but some believe the mayor had a more sinister motive.

“Townsend has had it in for me for years, ” said Floyd Feltcher, owner of Feltcher’s Butcher Shop. “The executive order has nothing to do with the virus.  He knows possum roast is my number one product.  And who’s going to suffer?  The people of Puddlegulch who depend on me for their sixpies.” (Puddle Possum Pot Pie with savory persimmon pudding).

The ban will last until the possum tests negative twice. 

“I will miss my little friend,” said Hingenbotham. “He made my game of solitaire a little less solitary.”

 

Mayor Townsend Addresses Homeless Problem in Puddlegulch

written by Gordan Geary – Editor in Chief

“Puddlegulch has struggled with a homeless problem for months,” said Mayor Townsend after a closed meeting with several council members on Thursday.  “Our homeless, Paul “Bobcat” Palmer, has been living in a tent in Nathaniel’s Field, a green space on the east end of town, since last July.  He has been a nuisance to many Puddlegulchians and we plan to do something about it.”

Townsend says that he is responding to anonymous complaints about Bobcat’s possum trapping activities.  He has been trapping possum for the Whispering Possum Inn for years, even before he became homeless.

“Bobcat has been a great resource for us,” said Denise Caldwell, proprietor of the inn. “He has a real knack for finding quality possum meat for our renowned sixpie.  Helps us with computer issues as well.”

Continue reading “Mayor Townsend Addresses Homeless Problem in Puddlegulch”

Fire Talk – with Chief Brandbil: The Little Engine that Couldn’t

fire talkHey there Puddlegulchers, Fire Chief Red Brandbil here to bring you the big update from your local boys in the red helmets.

2020 is off and running, and everyone seems to be talking about what can be seen. Well, the only thing I see right now is a vision of Puddlegulch’s new fire engine!

I know there are some that might argue that we don’t need a new fire engine, but truth is that our old 1978 International just can’t quite make it up the hill anymore, and it hasn’t been the same since Greg Fiddlestone put it in the ditch along Gulch Drive when he swerved to avoid the possum family crossing the road (or so he claims). And so, I’ve been meeting with vendors to determine what we should get to replace the old girl, and I’ll tell you, it’s not as easy a decision as you might think!

Continue reading “Fire Talk – with Chief Brandbil: The Little Engine that Couldn’t”

Local Celebrity Author Surprises Puddlegulch with New Book

3ae50f672bc9ba7c963c3af423aa96c0 (2)Chuck Hassler, author of the thrilling 1978 debut western novel  “Colt Hardcastle & The Persimmon Hill Posse,” announced yesterday that he will be publishing a long-awaited second book.

“I was down at the Bluebird Diner drinking a cup of coffee with Joe Whistler,” said Greg Fiddlestone, diner regular, once accused of bribing the mayor with Elsie’s apple betty and possibly hitting a possum and leaving it for dead , “and local celebrity author Chuck Hassler come in easy as you please and sits down at the counter next to Danny Weedlemeyer and orders the Hardcastle Special; hashbrowns, two strips of burnt bacon, one egg fried hard, a side of pinto beans, and a blade of prairie grass to chew on when you’re done…just like old Colt. That’s when I heard him say it.  He says ‘I just sent it to the publisher.  Should be coming out in stores by summer.’  I heard it clear as day. Possum’s Honor!”

Continue reading “Local Celebrity Author Surprises Puddlegulch with New Book”

Feltcher Brother Makes Meaty Statement

Jack Studebaker, reporter – Floyd Feltcher, proprietor of Feltcher’s Butcher Shop on Main Street, made a statement Friday in response to repeated queries concerning the dramatic presentation from his brother Bob Feltcher and his subsequent arrest last week during a Town council meeting.  Floyd Feltcher, a lifelong resident of Puddlegulch in good standing with the community at large, made the statement behind his counter while wrapping a pork loin for Edna Mersaphat, a regular customer of the shop.

“Every family’s got one,” Feltcher said in reference to his younger brother. “But I don’t want people to think the rest of the Feltcher family condones this kind of behavior.”

Feltcher posted bail in the amount of $500 in behalf of his younger sibling who was charged with drunk and disorderly conduct, indecent exposure and disturbing the peace after exposing his posterior to those assembled at last week’s town council meeting.  Bob Feltcher has kept a low profile since then.  Calls to his residence have gone unanswered and he has not been seen directing traffic as he usually does at the corner of Possum Hollow and Main.

 

Continue reading “Feltcher Brother Makes Meaty Statement”

Don’t leave Perry the Possum out in the cold

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

img_2394-2As the temperatures drop, the night air can be harmful or even deadly for our town’s beloved mascot: the possum. You may find them in your garage trying to find enough warmth to survive. We at The Puddlegulch Post encourage you not to put the poor creature out in the cold; bring them into your house to sleep in your bed.

Remember the possum is North American’s only marsupial and the creature that saved the people of Puddlegulch many years ago.

(rabies shots available for $125 at the Puddlegulch Clinic)

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Self-proclaimed neighborhood watch “sheriff” arrested

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Bob’s costume is available at https://www.halloweencostumes.com/police-officers-mustache.html

Gordon Geary, Editor in Chief and sometimes reporter – Bob Feltcher was arrested this week for drunk and disorderly conduct, indecent exposure, and disturbing the peace during a town council meeting.

Complaints of his unauthorized supervision of Puddlegulch residents have been brought to the council for years, but the council has dismissed the complaints with the philosophy of “what harm is he doing anyone?” as Councilman Joe Grouse had said at a July 2014 council meeting.

However, the council’s hand was forced after an incident in which Feltcher tried to extort an apple betty from Elsie Higgenbotham in exchange for “protection.”

Continue reading “Self-proclaimed neighborhood watch “sheriff” arrested”

Mysterious stranger spotted again!

Gordan Geary, Editor in Chief – At 11:55 pm last night, a local teen was fooling around with the filters on her telephone camera and snapped this image in the alley behind the Bowlarama.  [Note from writer: My pencil broke before I was about to speak to her, but I believe I understand millennials well enough to remember it just as it was relayed to me.]

“I was like looking at my phone as I walked or whatever,” said 16-year-old Chloe Crumbpacker, granddaughter of local property mogal Horace P. Crumbpacker, “getting ready to test the black and white filter of my telephone for my new, old-looking picture on Instant gram, and when I looked up to take the shot, he was like right there.  I thought he might say something to make me feel uncomfortable or unsafe, but he didn’t say anything.  He just kept smoking his boomer Jewel cigarette thingy. I took the shot and ran back to my antique bicycle before he could #meetoo me.  I was so scared.  I didn’t post the picture until I was like 2 blocks away.”

Continue reading “Mysterious stranger spotted again!”

Full Wolf Moon Eclipse Tonight in the Puddlegulch Sky

Priestess Willow Wolfclaw, guest contributor – Merry meet! The first Full Moon of the year is named after howling wolves. In some cultures, it was known as Old Moon, Ice Moon, Snow Moon, and the Moon after Yule.

Many Native tribes called January’s full moon the Wolf Moon because of the greater hunger of the mighty wolves in the deep cold of winter.  Their howling is both chilling and greatly beneficial to one’s spiritual health.  It is also known to locals as the Possum Moon for all of the possums eaten by the wolves under its gentle light.

Tonight is special, though, because the Sun, Earth, and the Moon shall be aligned creating a penumbral lunar eclipse.

This is an ideal time for moon magic.  The Circle of the Blood Moon will be meeting at midnight on Little Hill to view the eclipse and perform a communal spell to grant Puddlegulch’s greatest wish:  to exceed one THOUSAND residents.

We do not know what the moon will bring.  Fertility? Newcomers? The saving of a life?

What we do know is that we will be bundled with the warmest long john underwear provided by Dales’ Discount General.

Blessed Be!

Priestess Willow Wolfclaw