Bonita Mae Hogwallop, Society Columnist – Puddlegulch should be mighty proud of their annual organized constitutional down Main Street this Thanksgiving Day. The entire experience reeked of Possum Pride and Pomp.
Leading the way was the Pride of Puddlegulch High, the Marching Possums Band. It seems this year they were able to find a trumpet or two and we could actually tell what song they were playing. Last year the 12 tuba line was awe inspiring but the Holiday Spirit seemed to get lost in the Oom Pa Pas. Taking on the task of drum major pro tem was our very own mascot, Perry the Possum. Besides the fact that he played dead forcing the band to go around him, he did very well on his maiden voyage. I’m sure you all remember the band’s regular drum major, Tina Scroggins, was injured earlier in the week by that flukish, flying bowling ball. Where did that come from, anyway?
Next we were able to to take a gander at our Thanksgiving Day balloons, the Possum and the Turkey, and their wranglers. I know some are disappointed that the balloons are only a 20th of the size of those in New York and that there are only two of them. But we have to remember that they were designed by the original Mr. Macy’s grandson’s, uncle’s roommate, Doug Mersaphat. We must hold our heads high at tradition like that.
The only kerfuffle at the whole event was the moment when the Turkey balloon was unleashed by a sudden gust of wind. Within seconds that Turkey was flying high and we could see our wonderful helium masterpiece disappearing into the wide blue yonder. It was then that Earl Musgrave with the Civil War Renactment group drew his AR 15 and shot it down. Luckily only a couple of rounds hit the balloon and I’ve heard it should be able to be repaired by next year.
The winning entry was Joe Whistler and his dancing Possum Poodles though they did get in a tussle with the Coyotes of King’s Valley Chapel, the float ahead of them from Standing Rock. Since the coyote float was then disqualified, the trophy went to Joe. You may all remember my sister Wanita June predicted the coyote float would take top honors this year. Shows what she knows. Though you didn’t hear that from me.
Of course, the end of the parade brings the man of the hour, the person that all the kiddies shout for that signifies the beginning of the Christmas Season – Wilson the janitor from the Elementary School and his buckets of Candy Canes! I was able to actually catch one this year before it hit the pavement and shattered. It was delicious!
After the parade, we all went to Possum Disco Night at the Bowlarama and bowled the night away. Good job Puddlegulch and happy Thanksgiving!
The Puddlegulch Post was established on December 15th, 1869 by Nathaniel Puddle, who delivered the famous “Possum Address.” The speech saved the lives of every resident of then Douglas Gulch. The town voted unanimously to rename itself Puddlegulch after Nathaniel Puddle.
Puddle, although not a man of letters and only 22 years old, was deemed “the voice of sanity and wisdom absent any pride or valor in a world of imprudent sacrifice.” His first edition was a forthright account of the day the entire town of Puddlegulch pretended to be dead, at his suggestion, in order to avoid certain massacre at the hands of rogue Civil War war soldiers who had never received their orders to cease fighting though the war had been over for four years. No one knows what side they were fighting on and many have suggested that they did not know either. The article was entitled “This is what happened. Possum’s honor!” which has become the slogan for The Puddlegulch Post. He was the first editor in chief.
With the help of Thadeous Felcher, Puddle acquired a small printing press. Felcher credited Puddle’s possum idea for a lucrative spike in possum meat sales. The town’s official dish, now the center of the Possum Day celebration, became the Puddle Possum Pot Pie served with a side of savory persimmon pudding. The dish is commonly referred to as a “Sixpie” for its six p’s and it being a pie. “Feltcher’s” Butcher Shop is still a sponsor of the paper and still provides quality possum meat and, as always, “All meat – all the time! ™ .”
Through the years, the title of “Editor in Chief” was passed from father to son, starting with Nathaniel Puddle, Jr. and ending in 2003 with Nathaniel Puddle, IV after he died eating an off deviled egg. The title passed on to the current Editor in Chief, Gordon Geary; however, the family tradition is still minimally carried on by Nathaniel Puddle, IV’s son, Douglas Puddle who writes the obituaries and the classifieds.
Although the paper still circulates in print to many of the 988 Puddlegulchians, the successful launch of thepuddlegulchpost.com has brought in many tens of readers from around the state and also three from Somalia. Look for more international news in the future as we become a global news source!
Gordon Geary, Editor in Chief – On a blustery December morning in 1869, word came to the town councilmen of Johnson Gulch of an encroaching army of rogue civil war soldiers who had not realized that the Civil War had been over for four years. No one knows which side they had been fighting on, and many suspected that they could not remember.
Mayor Sowser gathered the men of the town to come up with a plan to avoid a massacre. A young man named Nathaniel Puddle talked at length of the amazing properties of possums, know as the Possum Address, and a plan was quickly devised to “play possum”. Puddle and the other men went from door to door advising the residents to create scenes of death for each household in an attempt to convince the soldiers to pass on. Thinking that the town was already massacred, the marauders did pass on and massacre the neighboring town of Taylorfield (aka Bloodfield). Johnson Gulch has since been known as Puddlegulch in honor of the legendary Nathaniel Puddle, and the day will forever be known as Possum Day.
Festivities will be held in the town square on December 6th. The judging of the most creative family death scene competition will begin at noon. Bundle up and bring your possum pride!