by Gordan Geary – Editor in Chief
“Lies! Lies! Lies! Lies” shouted Mayor Townsend campaign manager Terry Middlewamp in his dim-lit, Puddlegulch Town Hall office. Dim-lit because in an effort to save costs, the city council voted in July to reduce energy usage in government facilities by shutting off lights for fifteen minutes on the hour during daylight hours. “We’ve taken down the signs, but the damage is done, and we have a pretty good idea who done it.”
On Saturday, August 1st, the town of Puddlegulch woke up to a collection of signs in and around the town square displaying phrases like “Mayor Townsend bet on the Tompauk Centaurs to win against the Puddlegulch Possums in the basketball playoffs”, “Mayor Townsend kicks his dog while no one is around,” and perhaps the most damning, “Mayor Townsend imports his possum meat.”
“I believe it was that twerp, Denny Dickerson, over in Tompauk. I seen him drinking a beer with Tommy Shultz at the Bowlarama last Thursday night.”
Tommy Shultz is the campaign manager for Mayor Townsend’s opponent, Horace P. Crumbpacker.
Middlewamp added, “Tompauk Mayor Denny Dickerson had had it in for Townsend ever since the population count mistake back in 2016. There is not a shred of evidence that Mayor Townsend intentionally inflated the population number on the Puddlegulch city limits sign out on route 16.”
Townsend called the inaccurate change of population from 998 to 1000, a goal for Puddlegulch Chamber Commerce for years, a clerical error. However, the timing of the change (the night before the last mayoral election day) raised many suspicions among Puddlegulchians. Among the many points of rivalry between the towns of Tompauk and Puddlegulch, perhaps holding the honor of being the first town in the county to reach 1000 residents is the most contentious.
Mayoral candidate and local property mogul Horace P. Crumbpacker, denied any knowledge of the origin of the signs. “I am outraged that an outside entity could be trying to interfere with a Puddlegulch election. Absolutely outraged! But somebody needs to look into these disturbing allegations.”
The town council has scheduled an emergency session for this Tuesday to discuss added security measures to prevent further interference.
When asked if his massive array of security cameras could shed light on who may have placed these signs, Dale of Dale’s Discount General said that he wouldn’t know because his system was down for a long-needed upgrade.