Mayor Townsend Addresses Homeless Problem in Puddlegulch

written by Gordan Geary – Editor in Chief

“Puddlegulch has struggled with a homeless problem for months,” said Mayor Townsend after a closed meeting with several council members on Thursday.  “Our homeless, Paul “Bobcat” Palmer, has been living in a tent in Nathaniel’s Field, a green space on the east end of town, since last July.  He has been a nuisance to many Puddlegulchians and we plan to do something about it.”

Townsend says that he is responding to anonymous complaints about Bobcat’s possum trapping activities.  He has been trapping possum for the Whispering Possum Inn for years, even before he became homeless.

“Bobcat has been a great resource for us,” said Denise Caldwell, proprietor of the inn. “He has a real knack for finding quality possum meat for our renowned sixpie.  Helps us with computer issues as well.”

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Fire Talk – with Chief Brandbil: The Little Engine that Couldn’t

fire talkHey there Puddlegulchers, Fire Chief Red Brandbil here to bring you the big update from your local boys in the red helmets.

2020 is off and running, and everyone seems to be talking about what can be seen. Well, the only thing I see right now is a vision of Puddlegulch’s new fire engine!

I know there are some that might argue that we don’t need a new fire engine, but truth is that our old 1978 International just can’t quite make it up the hill anymore, and it hasn’t been the same since Greg Fiddlestone put it in the ditch along Gulch Drive when he swerved to avoid the possum family crossing the road (or so he claims). And so, I’ve been meeting with vendors to determine what we should get to replace the old girl, and I’ll tell you, it’s not as easy a decision as you might think!

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Local Celebrity Author Surprises Puddlegulch with New Book

3ae50f672bc9ba7c963c3af423aa96c0 (2)Chuck Hassler, author of the thrilling 1978 debut western novel  “Colt Hardcastle & The Persimmon Hill Posse,” announced yesterday that he will be publishing a long-awaited second book.

“I was down at the Bluebird Diner drinking a cup of coffee with Joe Whistler,” said Greg Fiddlestone, diner regular, once accused of bribing the mayor with Elsie’s apple betty and possibly hitting a possum and leaving it for dead , “and local celebrity author Chuck Hassler come in easy as you please and sits down at the counter next to Danny Weedlemeyer and orders the Hardcastle Special; hashbrowns, two strips of burnt bacon, one egg fried hard, a side of pinto beans, and a blade of prairie grass to chew on when you’re done…just like old Colt. That’s when I heard him say it.  He says ‘I just sent it to the publisher.  Should be coming out in stores by summer.’  I heard it clear as day. Possum’s Honor!”

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Feltcher Brother Makes Meaty Statement

Jack Studebaker, reporter – Floyd Feltcher, proprietor of Feltcher’s Butcher Shop on Main Street, made a statement Friday in response to repeated queries concerning the dramatic presentation from his brother Bob Feltcher and his subsequent arrest last week during a Town council meeting.  Floyd Feltcher, a lifelong resident of Puddlegulch in good standing with the community at large, made the statement behind his counter while wrapping a pork loin for Edna Mersaphat, a regular customer of the shop.

“Every family’s got one,” Feltcher said in reference to his younger brother. “But I don’t want people to think the rest of the Feltcher family condones this kind of behavior.”

Feltcher posted bail in the amount of $500 in behalf of his younger sibling who was charged with drunk and disorderly conduct, indecent exposure and disturbing the peace after exposing his posterior to those assembled at last week’s town council meeting.  Bob Feltcher has kept a low profile since then.  Calls to his residence have gone unanswered and he has not been seen directing traffic as he usually does at the corner of Possum Hollow and Main.

 

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Don’t leave Perry the Possum out in the cold

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

img_2394-2As the temperatures drop, the night air can be harmful or even deadly for our town’s beloved mascot: the possum. You may find them in your garage trying to find enough warmth to survive. We at The Puddlegulch Post encourage you not to put the poor creature out in the cold; bring them into your house to sleep in your bed.

Remember the possum is North American’s only marsupial and the creature that saved the people of Puddlegulch many years ago.

(rabies shots available for $125 at the Puddlegulch Clinic)

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Self-proclaimed neighborhood watch “sheriff” arrested

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Bob’s costume is available at https://www.halloweencostumes.com/police-officers-mustache.html

Gordon Geary, Editor in Chief and sometimes reporter – Bob Feltcher was arrested this week for drunk and disorderly conduct, indecent exposure, and disturbing the peace during a town council meeting.

Complaints of his unauthorized supervision of Puddlegulch residents have been brought to the council for years, but the council has dismissed the complaints with the philosophy of “what harm is he doing anyone?” as Councilman Joe Grouse had said at a July 2014 council meeting.

However, the council’s hand was forced after an incident in which Feltcher tried to extort an apple betty from Elsie Higgenbotham in exchange for “protection.”

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Mysterious stranger spotted again!

Gordan Geary, Editor in Chief – At 11:55 pm last night, a local teen was fooling around with the filters on her telephone camera and snapped this image in the alley behind the Bowlarama.  [Note from writer: My pencil broke before I was about to speak to her, but I believe I understand millennials well enough to remember it just as it was relayed to me.]

“I was like looking at my phone as I walked or whatever,” said 16-year-old Chloe Crumbpacker, granddaughter of local property mogal Horace P. Crumbpacker, “getting ready to test the black and white filter of my telephone for my new, old-looking picture on Instant gram, and when I looked up to take the shot, he was like right there.  I thought he might say something to make me feel uncomfortable or unsafe, but he didn’t say anything.  He just kept smoking his boomer Jewel cigarette thingy. I took the shot and ran back to my antique bicycle before he could #meetoo me.  I was so scared.  I didn’t post the picture until I was like 2 blocks away.”

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Full Wolf Moon Eclipse Tonight in the Puddlegulch Sky

Priestess Willow Wolfclaw, guest contributor – Merry meet! The first Full Moon of the year is named after howling wolves. In some cultures, it was known as Old Moon, Ice Moon, Snow Moon, and the Moon after Yule.

Many Native tribes called January’s full moon the Wolf Moon because of the greater hunger of the mighty wolves in the deep cold of winter.  Their howling is both chilling and greatly beneficial to one’s spiritual health.  It is also known to locals as the Possum Moon for all of the possums eaten by the wolves under its gentle light.

Tonight is special, though, because the Sun, Earth, and the Moon shall be aligned creating a penumbral lunar eclipse.

This is an ideal time for moon magic.  The Circle of the Blood Moon will be meeting at midnight on Little Hill to view the eclipse and perform a communal spell to grant Puddlegulch’s greatest wish:  to exceed one THOUSAND residents.

We do not know what the moon will bring.  Fertility? Newcomers? The saving of a life?

What we do know is that we will be bundled with the warmest long john underwear provided by Dales’ Discount General.

Blessed Be!

Priestess Willow Wolfclaw

Rival Rings Out the Old

b427d19dd6238628dc7fa8acc2c212d3Chip Chitwood, Sports Editor – The Fighting Possums’ hopes for a historic basketball season were dashed when their star center, Rowdy Wilson, was declared ineligible for competition. Cross-county rival, Barnwood High, sparked an investigation by the State Secondary School Athletic Association earlier in the season. At issue is the interpretation of the age limit rule, which says that any student who is 21 is ineligible for competition. Larry Tannehill, Puddlegulch AD, argued that the age limit should be understood to be the student’s age at the time of the beginning of the season. Landry Leftwich, Barnwood AD, argued that the rule pertains to the student’s age at any time during the season. Wilson turned 21 on January 1. In a stunning reversal of precedent, the SSSAA sided with Barnwood. Tannehill is considering legal action, citing the familial relationship between SSSAA executive director Rance Leftwich and the Barnwood coach. They are brothers.

Led by Wilson and his 11 points and 2 rebounds per game average, the 3-11 Fighting Possums were on track to set a record for most wins in a season. As it stands, the junior center is the career scoring leader for the locals. He is widely regarded as a man among boys on the court. Coach Chitwood will call on Danny Morris to step into the starting lineup. Morris, though untested, shows promise. At 6’ 7”, the 150-pound youngster has exceptional ball-handling skills. He credits lots of practice and a sixth finger on his right hand for his prowess with the ball. Morris and his teammates will face their first test when they tip off next Tuesday against the Pleasant Valley Pioneers.

Possum Could Be Playing Possum

playing-possumJack Studebaker, Reporter – A possum has been lying at the corner of Elm Street and Maple Drive for three consecutive days.  No one has been prepared to approach the area around the creature for fear of disturbing it in case he’s just pretending or taking an extended nap.

Emma French, noted local historian and lifetime Puddlegulch Playhouse Association member, lives nearby.  “Of course you know the possum is a revered creature around here,” French explained. “So these situations must be handled delicately.  Once upon a time, there was an elaborate ceremony for the recovery of the remains of such creatures. Then again, he could just be a dedicated thespian like myself.”

French proceeded to cite the long list of PPA theatre productions in which she’s been involved, including her award-winning performance as the lead in “On Golden Pond”.  French has a number of scrapbooks documenting each and every production of the PPA since its founding in 1982.

She has also spent a considerable amount of time pretending to be dead in the Ladies’ Historical Society reenactments of the Civil War era founding of Puddlegulch, celebrated every December.  “I know a thing or two about acting dead.” she said. “If he is indeed feigning death then I can say only one thing. What commitment to his craft!”

Clarabelle Beasley, another neighborhood resident, said she witnessed a “shiny Lincoln” careening through the intersection late at night prior to the discovery of the beast Monday morning.  “I have my suspicions,” she said. Beasley’s sister, Jennifer, corroborated her story. “I suspect there may be foul play,” she added.

The sisters live together on Elm Street near the intersection and are co-leaders of the Neighborhood Watch. “There’s only the two of us,” Clarabelle Beasley explained.  Jennifer Beasley added, “We couldn’t get anyone else involved, but we do a pretty good job on our own, if I do say so myself.”. The Beasley’s insist that crime in the neighborhood is at an all-time low since the formation of the Neighborhood Watch.   The last reported incident however was just this past summer when the Beasleys made a call to the county Sheriff’s office that resulted in the arrest of Sadie, Horace P. Crumbpacker’s 5 year old dachshund mix, for disturbing the peace.

UPDATE: After further investigation, it was determined that the possum was in fact deceased.  Sheriff’s deputy James Barnes picked up the remains later in the afternoon with a shovel and a plastic garbage bag.